On making the drow less problematic

(Posted for day one of Words in May)

Ah, the drow — those underground-dwelling, chaotic evil matriarchy-having dark elves of the Forgotten Realms setting for D&D. They present so many problems to modern sensibilities, and yet, there’s still so much amazing worldbuilding behind them.

In this post, I want to talk about what some of the problems are, and how (I think!) they can be reformed and redeemed.

I’m an elf fancier, as everyone knows, but I reserve the greatest of my love for dark elves across all media. I jokingly refer to them as “murder elves,” due to how grimdark they are often portrayed; many of them came out of the 1990s, which was a decade that loooooved its gritty reboots.

My favorite murder elves are probably the Dunmer of The Elder Scrolls series, but my second favorite are the drow.

When I was a teen in the 1990s, I played a lot of AD&D 2E, which is the version where the drow first appeared. The first splat book I ever bought for D&D with my own money was Drow of the Underdark for 2E, by Ed Greenwood. I also read a bunch of the Drizzt novels, which were just starting to get popular.

(Cover of Drow of the Underdark for 2E. Ah, memories)

For reasons you are probably aware of (if you follow me literally anywhere on social media), I have renewed my fascination with them, due to my playthrough of the 5E adventure Out of the Abyss. The game starts with you being imprisoned by the drow and takes you on an adventure to escape the Underdark — and then back into it, for reasons that become clear along the way.

Through a combination of factors, my druid character ended up with a drow boyfriend.

Since Chris Perkins gave the character — Jorlan Duskryn — like two lines of backstory, and no art, I have had to rely on my imagination to fill in the details. And this image, from my Hot Elf Bois Pinterest board, is pretty much what I imagine the drow rogue who stole my heart looking like.

Aaaaaaand I ended up writing 56k words of fanfic (and growing!) about my character’s relationship with said boyfriend as they make their way through the Underdark,.

So every time someone talks about The Problematic Drow ™, I get sad, because I’m still that 15 year old girl who fell in love with Drow of the Underdark.

… and that 40-year old woman who can’t stop writing emotional hurt/comfort about her fictional druid’s fictional boyfriend.

So what’s so problematic about the drow?

There are three main areas where the drow are problematic:

  • Racial sensitivity, i.e. the “elves in blackface” problem.
  • Its weird perspective on women.
  • The whole concept of an “evil race.”

Racial Sensitivity

I’m actually going to talk about this one the least, as the most glaringly obvious — but also the easiest to address.

The drow are traditionally dark-skinned — in 5E words like “charcoal” and “obsidian” are used to describe them. It’s intended to be dissimilar to any real-world skin tone. But it’s not quite so simple, is it?

Color — and here I mean the light phenomenon — is perceived differently by different people in different circumstances. And that’s reflected in language: Japanese uses the same word for blue and green (aoi), French stop lights are orange, not jaune (yellow), and what the hell did Homer mean by the “wine-dark sea?”

So what happens when fans bring something that was born in the world of text out into the world of light and color? Nothing good. When drow started being portrayed in person, through cosplay or in larps, we started to see something that looked a HELLUVA lot like blackface. Sure, it didn’t look like any real skin color… but it was eerily reminiscent of the blackface makeup of the deeply-problematic late 19th/early 20th century minstrelry.

(Google it. I’m not gonna satisfy your curiosity).

My point: despite your best intentions, your “charcoal” may look to a BIPOC person like blackface.

Basically, we’re not in Faerûn, and it seems facile to ignore that and just say “oh lol fantasy” when there are real people playing this game and being affected by it.

This choice of drow skin color also interacts poorly with how the drow are portrayed — as largely evil. Most of them worship a chaotic evil deity-turned-demon, Lolth, with all that implies. That goddess has systematically wiped out any competing deities, and her temple promotes some pretty evil behaviors.

The “Way of Lolth” sidebar in the Out of the Abyss Adventure. “Menzoberranzan’s principle law is the Way of Lolth. Its tenets are as follows:” “As follows” is a list of crimes that are all punished by execution.

The magic number I’ve seen bandied about places — I think it originally came from Drow of the Underdark — is that only 15% of drow are good-aligned.

The concept of an “evil race” is a problem on its own, which I’ll discuss in a bit. But first: anywhere that blackness = evil? Not cool.

The next problem is gnarlier…

Weird perspective on women

This problem is a lot less obvious, but it’s also hard to solve without stripping away a lot of what makes the drow interesting.

Drow society — or at least Lolthite society — is a matriarchy. It’s also, as I mentioned above, centered around a chaotic evil spider goddess. The society kind of falls in line with that, which means that there are a lot of women in power doing evil things.

I guess the first, most obvious objection that comes to mind is why does a matriarchy have to be evil? Is this meant to imply something about women in positions of leadership?

This objection doesn’t trouble me too much, though. Perhaps it’s because I find a lot of assumptions about women in leadership go too far in the gender essentialist direction — “oh they’re women so they must be caring and gentle and they never go to war.” But the drow matriarchy doesn’t put the ability to have babies at the CENTER OF EVERYTHING, and I enjoy that as a change. Drow women are also allowed to be openly sexual without it being unusual or stigmatized, and it appears to be (mostly) a society that isn’t too hung about marriage or monogamy.

(I recently decided to read one of the newer Drizzt books — Timeless, from 2018 — and was disappointed to discover that these aspects are less and less true, alas).

So a wicked matriarchy by itself doesn’t bother me, for the same reason I don’t mind playing villainous women in historical or fantasy larps — because villains are rarely bound by real-world gender roles.

The second problem is a lot of the evil and cruelty of the matriarchy reads like some guy’s BDSM fantasy. The drow matriarchy has a lot of the same problems of the patriarchy in the real world, in that it actively and passively marginalizes the opposite gender. (And yes, I know, gender isn’t binary, but tell that to the writers of the 1990s). Which in some cases is actually quite interesting to read, as a woman!

But sometimes it goes too far, and it becomes absurd; when the show of dominance goes into the realm of the far-fetched and the violence is over-sexualized. And it’s moments like that when I say, “Is this believable? Or is the author just a frustrated sub?”

(I returned the book to the library, so no quotes for you, but there’s a section in Exile, the second Drizzt book, which reads kind of like Malice is a pro-domme and Rizzen is her sub client with a service kink).

Which brings me to another aspect of the matriarchy that bothers me. Sometimes it feels like an extended “bitches be crazy” joke. I get it — it’s a chaotic evil matriarchy. Hence there’s a lot of irrational screaming and undeserved punishments and unusual cruelty.

But considering that this sort of “irrational,” emotion-driven behavior gets pinned on women a lot in the real world? It can definitely be grating to see it writ large in fantasy.

(I had a sidebar here about how this ties into consent in the matriarchy, but then I realized this could be a post all its own. Maybe some day I’ll write about that!)

“Evil Races”

Sooooo…. there’s a big problem underlying a lot of ethical quandaries in D&D, and it’s alignment.

In D&D, a character’s moral compass is called “alignment,” and it reflects a spot on two axes — lawful -> chaotic, and good -> evil. So you get alignments like lawful good, chaotic evil, or true neutral (neutral on both axes). When I refer to Lolth being a chaotic evil deity, it’s this alignment it’s referring to.

Alignment is an observable fact in the world of D&D. No matter how much Wizards pretties it up and makes it sound like it’s about moral choice, it has to do with how you are aligned relative to the Great Wheel of the multiverse — the gods and fiends and the outer planes where they live. In previous editions, alignment was something that could be sensed by spells; even in 5e, certain magical items require a certain alignment to use.

Alignment’s not all bad. It makes sense for gods and fiends, as primal absolutes. I have absolutely no problem with describing Lolth as chaotic evil. And sometimes makes sense in with actual players, too– it guides how your PC acts in response to events in the campaign.

But the major problem with alignment is: it’s from an outside POV.

This is most clear when you’re talking about the good-> evil axis. While I can imagine someone describing themselves (accurately) as “lawful,” it all breaks down when it comes to evil.

Fundamentally, no one thinks they are evil. Even the worst of humanity — murderers, slavers, genocide enthusiasts — think they are doing the right thing given their circumstances.

This Lore Sjoberg “Speak with Monsters” comic seemed relevant. “I’m just saying that if we have more complex motivations than ‘be evil,’ it’ll lead to richer plots and themes!”

This comic is a great segue, because orcs are another example of an “evil race,” at least in previous editions of D&D, where they were pretty much only monsters you could kill in dungeons, not sentient beings with their own culture. I remember distinctly — having played a half-orc in 3.5e — that it was pretty much implied that half-orcs are all products of rape, which is wiiiiiiild and how did that get into print?)

In 5E, you can play an orc, but then sometimes you get slammed with text like this:

No matter how domesticated an orc might seem, its blood lust flows just beneath the surface. With its instinctive love of battle and its desire to prove its strength, an orc trying to live within the confines of civilization is faced with a difficult task.

Volo’s Guide to Monsters (2018)

Drow, unfortunately, don’t get much better than that: see the “only 15% of drow are good” factoid above.

And when those races are coded in ways that are reminiscent of real-world racial inequalities? It’s even grosser.

And what do we do about it?

Fixing the “elves in blackface” problem.

I feel like this first problem has the easiest fix: make the drow skin color one that is further away from real-world connotations.

There are a lot of options for this. Colors like dark blue and dark purple have been suggested. Some folks say “they live underground; they should be pale or albino,” and I can buy that. Recent official art, in the 5E sourcebook Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything, depicts them as a sort of silvery-grey.

Personally I picture my drow as looking like the Dunmer, with grey skin. While it is still possible to shade into something uncomfortable with that, I also think ESO — and Elder Scrolls cosplayers — have set a good example with this.

Of course, this is my Very White opinion on the matter, so take this all with a grain of salt. But if your primary objection to the drow is the similarity to blackface, that’s the easiest of these problems to address.

But it does need to be addressed at a higher level than it currently is — it needs to come from Wizards of the Coast itself.

How do you solve a problem like a chaotic evil matriarchy?

Well, for one, you tone down the chaoticness and extravagance of their evil.

Does this alter the fundamental interest of the drow as a people? I don’t think so! Personally, I’ve always found it hard to believe that any society could be maintained for long under that level of chaos. Lolth may be chaotic evil, but I think individual drow are going to shade more lawful or neutral evil.

Indeed, Menzoberranzan is astonishingly lawful — what is the Way of Lolth if not a law? Even their overwhelming “don’t get caught” attitude towards crime is a sort of law, even if it’s not justice.

Your average drow, regardless of gender, does what they have to do to survive. They’re not (for the most part) sadists; they’re not going to go out of their way to come up with elaborate tortures for their enemies.

But if someone stands in their way, the knives come out.

(I also think this connects to social class. The higher your house is ranked, and the closer you are to Lolth’s chaotic orbit, the more extravagant evil you will see, because you will become an obstacle to other houses. But when you are lower in the hierarchy, who cares? What do you have that anyone else wants?)

Personally, I subscribe to the Kantian theory: evil is using other people as a means to your end, not ends in and of themselves. By this definition, evil is banal and common. It isn’t the Menzoberranzan equivalent of Snidely Whiplash, tying poor hapless menfolk to altars to sacrifice just for funsies. It’s thinking, “eh, it’ll please Lolth and gain me prestige if I sacrifice this guy, so I don’t see a problem with it.”

Congratulations, you have just used a person as a means. That is the heart of evil (says Kant).

I could say SO MUCH MORE on this topic, but I’ll save some of it for another post. (Maybe a drow headcanon post?) I’ll wrap this up with: make the matriarchy more interesting by focusing on the banality of its evil.

Fixing the concept of an “evil race”

… can we just say, “don’t?” Is that enough?

Again I’d encourage folks — by which I mean WotC — to take the inside view. No one is evil inside their own head. Certainly not an entire race.

And if you have to make an entire race evil, can you not code them as real-world marginalized people?

Getting rid of alignment, and replacing it with something more nuanced would also go a long way. Like, say, a better version of the half-assed Personality/Bond/Flaw/Ideal system that everyone skips over in character creation? (New rule as a DM: I screen players by whether or not they fill that shit out).

Because ultimately, who we are as people is largely determined by more than our alignment along cosmic axes.

It would “lead to richer plots and themes,” as they say.

In fairness to WotC, they have made some baby steps in this direction — see: their “Diversity and Dungeons & Dragons” article, which promises to depict drow and orcs differently, fix some errors of racial sensitivity, allow customization of racial backgrounds, and improve the portrayal of the Vistani, a Roma-like people from the Curse of Strahd adventure. They’ve followed through with this, too, as far as I know.

… and yet they do things like butcher the work of a BIPOC author without his knowledge or consent. *sigh*


In conclusion, I absolutely see the problems and the implicit bias in the most common depictions of the drow. But I also believe there’s good worldbuilding here that can be salvaged. Worldbuilding that asks questions like:

  • How do you live in a world of complete darkness, where heat vision provides most visual cues?
  • What sorts of language might develop from a culture based around worship of a chaotic evil spider goddess?
  • How does a matriarchy work, and how does it marginalize men?
  • What role does separation from the surface and the other Underdark races play in drow culture?
  • What are the consequences of a judicial system that boils down to “don’t get caught?”

And really, these speak to some fundamental human questions, don’t they? What is morality? What is marginalization? How does our experience of the world inform our language?

This is the stuff that intrigues me about the drow. I’d rather not throw it out wholesale.

Words in May

Lately I haven’t been devoting enough time to my writing — things like:

  • Blog posts
  • Queries to agents for Lioness
  • Fanfic — I still have a ways to go to finish Bright Future, and right now I hella miss Mavash and Jorlan.

I’ve been devoting a lot of time lately to TTRPGs, which is fun, but I also know if I continue to do NOTHING BUT TTRPGS, I will burn out quickly. (Because that is how the Lise do).

So. For accountability’s sake, I’m writing it here:

I will be writing Some Words every day in May — specifically, on the three things above.

I will show my work here. Maybe not daily, depending on how things go, but I’ll let you know. And no, writing daily updates on my progress does not itself count as progress 😉

I will not neglect my TTRPG games entirely — I’ll still go to my Pathfinder and D&D games, I’ll finish the one-shot I’m running for my work colleagues, and I may be picking up my Curse of Strahd game again soon (?) — but I’m not going to take on any new commitments.

Expect to hear from me again soon!

2021 Prospective

Hey, this took a long time to write! It’s Q2, and here I am finally putting virtual pen to virtual paper. But rest assured, I have been trying to live this, even if I haven’t been talking about it.

My theme for the year is: “Making my outsides match my insides.” Or, put another way, “wearing my heart on my sleeve.”

What does that mean?

My mother said to me once, “You just don’t pay attention to how you look, do you?” At the time I heard it as an insult, but I’ve come to realize it’s not — it was an accurate observation of my state of mind.

See, this shows in how I treat my body — as a sort of meat car for the really important stuff, i.e. my thoughts, memories, mind, etc. What does it matter what my outsides look like?

Heck, I drive a 2007 Toyota Yaris; I don’t even care what my car-car looks like. It just gets me from one place to another.

And so with my meat car.

But I’m a materialist, so I know this is false thinking. There is not separate mind stuff and body stuff. (Take that, Descartes!) The mind is the brain is the body. (Or, at least, the mind is an epiphenomenon that can’t be directly controlled except through the bo– look, I was a cog sci major, okay??)

So, yeah, I have never paid a lot of attention to my appearance. Most days I work from home wearing pajamas; if I have a meeting, I might actually take a shower and put on a bra and real clothes. This is a lifestyle the pandemic has only encouraged — and the permanently remote job I have now does not help.

A lot of my work over the past few years — with these annual themes, in therapy — has been about being genuine, vulnerable, true to myself. About putting my “heart on my sleeve” in an emotional or mental way.

Now I want to put my heart on my sleeve in terms of my physical being — my personal style, my body image, and the stuff I’m putting out into the world.

Get ready, we’re putting a party hat on this meat car.

Or at least on this slime. (Credit: @theperkypugs on Twitter)

Personal style

I have always been envious of people who have a personal style. The sort of person who you see and think “gee, I feel like I know who they are just from looking at them.”

I am not like that, unless you consider my greasy face and a 10-year t-shirt to be an expression of my personality.

(I mean… I think my ripped “Rowsdower: Canada’s Brass Knuckles” t-shirt does have some personality to it).

I’ve put a lot of thought, last year and this, into what I WANT my personal style to be. I’ve put together a Pinterest board called “I want to be fabulous” with pictures that inspire me. I’ve also written out some bullet points that I think express my desired aesthetic well:

  • Androgyny/gender-bending
  • Historical elements
  • Baroque (in both senses) details — beautiful inutility. Lace, ruffles, silk.
  • A bit of equestrian chic, like an eccentric noblewoman riding through the fields
  • Academic
  • Nerdy things, ie my Tee Turtle shirts, TES jewelry
  • Lushness, swishiness
  • Jewel tones and blacks
  • A little bit of goth
  • Moons
  • Capital R Romanticism
  • Actually, if I could look like Orly of Buckingham1, that’s right on. Maybe with more skulls and moons.
  • Fae/elven
  1. By which I mean Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Buckingham in the 2011 The Three Musketeers. My god he’s fabulous and I’m not sure if I want to be him or I want to bang him… or, being ace, “have passionate conversations about poetic forms while brushing each other’s hair and kissing.”

I tried to boil this down to a single tagline, and what I came up with was “eccentric time-lost noblethem.”

So how does one become such a grand thing? Let’s set some intentions!

Catalog wardrobe using the Stylebook app

I downloaded Stylebook a couple of months ago, and while I’m not making full use of it yet, I already love it. It’s inexpensive (a one-time $3.99), and has a ton of functionality, as well as robust documentation to help you learn how to use it. Once you have a full wardrobe to work with, you can ask it to “shuffle” items and suggest outfits.

Basically, it helps you get the most out of the wardrobe you have.

However, it does operate on having all your wardrobe items entered in, and that is a challenge I’ve only just begun.

I think a modest goal here would be to add five items to Stylebook per week. That’s one for every week day. I assume I will be wearing more than one garment per day, and that I will wear real clothes at least one or two days a week.

Participate in Snazzual Fridays

This is a hashtag/event my friend Tegan created at the start of the pandemic last year, to get us out of the rut of the permanent athleisure lifestyle and to put on clothes that might not otherwise get worn. I’ve done this a couple of times, but mostly my snazzual days don’t fall on Fridays. That’s okay — any day can be snazzual if you feel it in your heart.

So my modest goal here is to Be snazzual 1-2 times per month, and document it. (More on that latter part below).

Continue to define my personal style, and expand (or purge) my wardrobe appropriately

As with all “stuff,” acquiring clothes is infinitely easier than getting rid of them.

My most recent influx of clothes has been a) giant bag of shirts and leggings I got from someone on my Buy Nothing group, and b) Stitchfix.

I’ve been surprised how many new-to-me pieces came out of the giant bag o’ clothes — there’s a lot of “tunic tops and leggings,” which is my go-to day-to-day style when I actually put on clothes. (It also ties in well with my “lushness” and “swishiness” elements — and I generally think the “long over lean” look is a good one for me).

Stitchfix has also been positive, but it’s also expensive, and I want to avoid getting more clothes than I will wear or have room to store. I’ll continue to use Stitchfix, but I’m still figuring out the right frequency.

I also want to expand my personal style pinboard and use it to extend the possibilities of my wardrobe.

Finally, I want to make a habit of reorganizing my closet seasonally, to rotate in seasonal items and get rid of stuff I haven’t worn in the past X amount of time.

Body image

One thing I run into pretty quickly when thinking about personal style is… the mirror.

I want to look like an elf, and I have the body of a hobbit.

I am not tall and thin and angular and androgynous. I am short and fat and squishy.

I’m not okay with this. I’ve never been okay with this.

And yet… this body is here to stay. It’s the only meat car I’ve got. I’m not getting any taller, my fat is always going to be distributed this way, and whenever I’ve intentionally tried to lose weight, it hasn’t been terribly effective.

In the vein of “accepting the things you cannot change,” here’s what I’m going to do to improve my body image in 2021.

Take more selfies

Selfies aren’t just vanity — they play an important role in accepting our body by curating how we present it to the world. If we can repeatedly see ourselves at our best, maybe it becomes easier to say “ew I’m ugly and fat and my hair is too thin” every time I look in the mirror

I’ve already created a “Selfiegeddon 2021” album on Facebook; I intend to add 50 selfies to it by the end of the year. (We’ll see if that’s unique shots or total — I’m willing to bend the rules depending on how I’m doing).

In that spirit, here’s MAH FACE.

Focus on health, not weight

Do I want to weigh less? Yes — if nothing else, I want a more proportional body, so that clothes fit me better.

Do I want to focus on losing weight? Hell nah.

My solution to this is to focus on activities that are healthier — and be surprised by weight loss that may happen.

For example, since the beginning of this year I’ve been trying to eradicate my sweet tooth. Not just sucrose, either — I make ample use of artificial sweetener. But I feel like all that does is keep those cravings alive and make me hungrier in the long run.

When I get to the point where I would sell my soul for a Boston creme donut is usually where I say, “okay, it’s time to lay off the sweets.” After about two weeks without, I crave sweets a lot less and my hunger levels are less spiky.

So, in that vein, my “healthy not weighty” goals:

  • Moderate my relationship with sweets, as specified above.
  • Continue exercise in a gentle, non-competitive way.
  • Eat more veggies. “More” is vague, I know. For one thing, more than three mini peppers with my usual lunch of meat and cheese 😉
  • Eat breakfast. I don’t do this enough, because usually when I wake up the last thing I want is food. But it keeps my hunger at reasonable levels throughout the day.

Find better role models in body image

I want to look like an elf — but who says elves have to be tall and thin?

Tolkien, probably, but let’s not forget he was drawing from the poetic Eddas. And if you go back far enough in Nordic/Germanic myth, elves and dwarves are the same. (Alberich, who appears in the Ring cycle, is variously described as an elf or a dwarf, I seem to recall).

… and if there’s anything playing D&D taught me about dwarves, it’s that you can hear the clap of their ass cheeks through Mithril Hall.

So, uh, I guess what I’m saying is, I not only need to put my own image out into the world — I need to find images that represent what I am looking for and are relatable and achievable. I also want to stop having a viscerally different reaction to images of thin vs. fat people.

Earlier this year I followed some plus-size alt-fashion Instagrammers. But I’m not a heavy Insta user, so I can’t say this has done anything for me. I also try to skew my pinboard towards plus-size fashion icons, too, but lemme just say all your results change for the worse when you add “plus size” to any query on Pinterest.

So I need to do some noodling on this point. But bottom line, I want to merge “people who look like me,” “people who are being their authentic selves through fashion,” and “people who look fabulous.”


All right? All right. I think that’s enough to keep me busy for a year. Now back to my paint-stained pajamas for the night.

Fanfic journal: “Bright Future,” chapter 13

Read chapter 13 (“Siltrin”) here.

Chapter Summary

“You are touch-starved, I think,” she concluded, tapping her lips.

He didn’t know what that meant, but it felt like a rope thrown down to a prisoner in an oubliette. He grabbed onto it more eagerly than he cared admit.

In the aftermath of a fight with a fomorian and some purple worms, Mavash seeks to ease some of Jorlan’s physical pain. But his wounds are more than surface deep, and Jorlan finds the cure is worse than the sickness.

Content warnings

Implied/referenced sexual assault, as we talk more about Jorlan’s terrible history.

Incidentally, this chapter is a bit spicier than the others, but this is as spicy as it gets. I am admitting my characters want to bang, but there are never gonna be details. I like the sexual tension more than the physics.

Chapter End Notes

  • As written, Oloth tlu malla is only a +2 longsword. Not actually a vorpal scimitar. Come on, Chris Perkins. You say right in the introduction to OotA there’s a lot of Alice in Wonderland inspiration in this adventure, and you pass up the opportunity to put in a vorpal sword?
  • I left out the part where Mavash tried to make Jorlan think it was an intelligent weapon by talking to him telepathically with a bad drow accent.
  • Yes, an owlbear is a monstrosity, not a beast, and a druid shouldn’t be able to turn into one. But listen, if WoW taught me anything, it’s that druids and owlbears are inextricably linked. Also it’s basically a CR3 cave bear, and DM Nixon suggested it.
  • The drow poetry book that the fomorian has is, strangely enough, part of the actual treasure in RAW. I have no idea what Jorlan intended with it. I suspect DM Nixon just had him take it to create interesting fanfic hooks. Operation: successful.
  • Grinna, who is briefly mentioned, is a gender-swapped version of Grin Ousstyl, Vizeran’s apprentice in RAW. I don’t think there’s anything that prevents drow women from being wizards, although I imagine it’s frowned upon.
  • Jorlan’s rant about “stories surfacers tell about the drow” is a modified version of my rant about the ridiculous, over-the-top evil of the drow matriarchy as seen in the books and in (a lot of) fanfic. So much of the drow matriarchy reads like some guy’s BDSM fantasy or a “bitches be crazy” joke. That’s one of the things that makes the drow so problematic; it turns female characters into caricatures without inner life other than I WILL BE TERRIBLE TO MEN AND PLEASE LOLTH.

(That said, I mean… all of the things he mentions ARE things that happen in drow society that he’s trying to gloss over. He graduated from Melee-Magthere; he should know from demonic orgies).

  • I jokingly call this “the chapter where Jorlan learns that a boner is not consent.” It’s basically impossible for him to have been in a consensual relationship within the drow matriarchy, because of the lack of freedom to say “no.” But of course he doesn’t realize that. And since I have painted him as a survivor of sexual assault, I think that the ethical thing for Mavash to do (and she would do the ethical thing; she’s chaotic good) would be to let any sexual aspect of their relationship develop entirely on his terms.

Which is also incredibly difficult for him, for much the reason Mavash named. And of course he’s going to read it as a rejection of him at first, which leads to sadness. But I hope I ended it with a bit of hope for these two lovebirds.

  • The chapter title, “siltrin,” means “flesh” in the fan dictionary. “Touch,” alas, is not defined, or I would have used that as the chapter title.
  • Finally, this chapter is still a little displaced in time. I wrote it before the previous two chapters, and there is still at least one more chapter to be placed between “El’lar” and this one. But hey, you just got two chapters back to back of plot-less Mavash/Jorlan schmaltz, so… you’re welcome?

Fanfic journal: “Bright Future,” chapter 11

Read chapter 10 (“El’lar”) here.

Chapter Summary

There was something about her presence pulling at him, calling him to cross the distance between them. He recalled how she had dominated the conversation with Vizeran — how he had coached her to do that — and his hands ached with a familiar energy: to placate, to please.

Jorlan and Mavash have a conversation in a mushroom grove about homes, youthful foolishness, and things they can’t put behind them.

Chapter End Notes

Drow aren’t supposed to have very keen noses, canonically, but let’s just say it’s Jorlan’s rogue senses. (He does have expertise in Perception).

I spent a long time looking at this map trying to figure out what path Mavash would have taken to get to Neverwinter Wood. (It’s from 2E, but that’s really the only map that had Sossal on it — it’s kind of been forgotten in subsequent editions). Up in the northeast corner there is Sossal, and I figured she lived inland, somewhere like Dharvil, near the Armridge Mountains.

Anyway, it is a long, long distance to Neverwinter Wood — at least two thousand miles. I figured crossing the Anauroch Desert would be impossible, since there don’t appear to be roads. So she traveled with a caravan across Novularond, to the town of Ostra in Vaasa — whence she sent her “I’m dead” message. From there she went west around the northern shores of the Moonsea, cut south around Zhentil Keep, and spent some time in Cormanthor Forest. From there she went west to Cormyr and then Iriebar, then she headed north and west until she reached the Trade Way around Baldur’s Gate. From there it was a straight shot to Neverwinter.

I still haven’t satisfactorily answered why she decided not to settle in Cormanthor Forest, or why she felt the particular calling to Neverwinter Wood. But it probably was from some goading from her quori, who had a sense of her Destiny ™ as the one who will stop il-Lashtavar.

I also had to decide what age she left home at. It had to be young enough that she still sorta imprinted on her grove in Neverwinter Wood as her “family.” But given the reason I gave her for wanting to leave, she had to be old enough to be married — not to mention, how old is old enough to cross an entire continent on foot?

Also clearly I have a headcanon about the drow and non-monogamy. I see it not unlike the drow view on murder and house warfare — if you can destroy everyone who could accuse you of the crime, it didn’t happen. And yes, I imagine this is a game Jorlan has played before.

I’m still not entirely happy with where this ends, but eh, good enough for now. Maybe inspiration will strike me later.

Fanfic journal: “Bright Future,” chapter 10

Read chapter 10 (“Araj”) here.

Chapter Summary

Vizeran has a plan for getting rid of the demon princes, and it’s a bad one. How is he going to get our heedless do-gooding adventurers to buy into it?

Easy: he’s going to make someone else explain it.

Or: in which Vizeran continues to be insufferable, Mavash gets angry, and Jorlan Explains It All (where “all” = drow politics)

Chapter End Notes

Technically the “Great Wheel” model of the planes is no longer valid by the 1480s DR? OH WELL. It’s much more interesting than the tree model. Apparently it’s not so much that it’s invalid; it’s just that 5E basically says, “eh, it’s all an abstraction for mortal minds, anyway”.

I believe, rules as written, Rystia Zav is a random crazy human NPC you can meet in Mantol-Derith, a Harper spy infiltrating the Zhentarim. Here, obviously, she’s still a Harper spy, but she’s an elf, and she’s more interested in infiltrating Menzoberranzan. Obviously the fact that she’s hanging out in the Tower, or is Grinna’s girlfriend, is entirely our DM’s take on it. (And yet, isn’t this better?) Our DM also got rid of Vizeran’s pet death slaad, because seriously? (Fake drow girlfriend > death slaad).

The drow political situation laid out here is a weird blend of the RAW module, canonical-to-books stuff (like, the re-creation of House Do’Urden) and custom stuff our DM came up with. For example, the figurehead Matron Mother is someone else entirely, not Inshalee. As I said before, I have very little patience for trying to catch up on the Drizzt books, so mostly I have Nixon, what of the RAW module isn’t spoilery, and the FR wiki to go on.

(And if you know the lore better than me, you probably can guess that there’s something — or someone — that Rystia and Jorlan are dancing around here. But we the players didn’t know that at this point in the adventure, so you don’t get to know it, either).

Also once again Jorlan refuses to mention Drizzt. My headcanon is that Jorlan disdains the guy; they are of an age, were probably at Melee-Magthere at the same time, and their families were always in competition for that valued eighth spot on the Council. Plus I think Jorlan bought in more to the chaotic Drow Mindset ™, at least grudgingly. So he probably sees Drizzt as an insufferable twat who thinks there’s no blood on his hands.

Two funny Jorlan moments here that were true to the actual session: 1) Jorlan did in fact go all VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT about the name of Lolth. 2) The comment about the noodle shops was in fact made. (Which is how my “Jorlan likes a dish called Menzoberranzan noodles” headcanon got started).

(We finally did get to Menzoberranzan in the campaign, and LET ME TELL YOU how angry we all were that there was no time to go slumming for noodles. I may need to write a fix-it fic just for this).

(Alsoalso we are only about one or two sessions away from the end of the game. AND THEN WHAT WILL I DO WITH MY LIFE???)

(Continue to write unending authors’ notes, apparently).

D&D Campaign Idea: Wilderness Survival + Player-Driven Plot

(This is a repost/slight reframing of something I posted on Facebook earlier today).

An intriguing campaign idea came to me as I was falling asleep last night… this may be why I’m feeling so tired today.

The PCs are fellow travelers on the road to a “gold rush”-type place across the continent. But their past is on their tail, and their dreams are still unfulfilled.

Also, they may or may not have a map.

It would be wilderness survival with an overarching plot determined by two questions the PCs answer:

What are you running from? What are you running to?

More details:

  • This is somewhat inspired by the research I did for Mavash re: crossing Faerûn on foot. It occurred to me that running or playing an overland adventure — which was focused on the travel, not the destination — would be kind of fun.
  • I think I would probably use Faerûn as the continent being crossed, but only because it’s a familiar environment for a lot of players, and would help in creating personal plot hooks. I am not interested in whether or not it cleaves to Forgotten Realms lore, except as it pertains to the characters. The “gold rush” place would be entirely my own invention, though, though you’d probably be leaving from some place like Baldur’s Gate.
  • What I mean by “wilderness survival” is actually using the mechanics in D&D for things like overland travel, foraging, weather, getting lost, exhaustion, exposure, etc.
  • I am also interested in making a game out of the fiddly resource management stuff that everyone tends to gloss over, i.e. equipping, encumbrance, tracking food rations and arrows, etc. I want it to matter if you have enough rations to get to the next city or a tent to sleep under.
    • I have the idea that as the players level there will be less of this, because those levels should allow them to “get ahead of the game.” Nobody wants to spend levels 1-20 rolling Survival checks every day to see if you get to eat.
  • I am expecting a lot of emergent plot via the characters’ histories and how they react to the challenges they encounter. I am very much trying to combat my tendency to overprep. That said, it would depend on a level of player investment that is more typical of a make-your-own-character larp than a TTRPG.

I think this could be fun, if played right — and if player expectations are set correctly! Then again, I am the sort of person who installs tons of survival mods in otherwise perfectly good video games, so I also admit this may not be everyone’s cuppa.

Is this the sort of game anyone else would be interested in?

Image credit: Denise Jans on Unsplash

I finished playing Out of the Abyss and I feel empty inside

This past weekend, my Out of the Abyss game had its final session. I got what I wanted for my druid — a happily ever after with her drow boyfriend in Neverwinter Wood, with bonus noodles and fancy hats. I also had some awful/amazing tension on the road to that.

Tears were shed. Feels were had. And now I will be writing fanfic about it for… well, a long time.

But in the wake of it… I have an emotional hangover. I feel empty inside, and like I don’t know what to do with myself.

“Feeling pointless” meme of dude staring vacantly into space, with the caption “Me After Finishing Out of the Abyss.”

I need a new D&D game to play, and waiting until DM Nixon is ready to run something again seems unbearable at the moment.

At the same time, trawling /r/lfg looking for games to join is… not super productive. A game is like a relationship, right? And I just got out of an INTENSE one. So I feel like this would be the TTRPG equivalent of looking for hookups on Tinder after an intense breakup.

(But what do I know; I haven’t dated since the late 1990s).

I did start thinking, however, about what I want in my next game. This isn’t something I gave a lot of thought to before I dove headfirst back into the TTRPG pool last year, so I’d like to lay it out now.

Plus, this will be useful in the future in case I do decide to apply to certain games.

What I Want in My Next Relationship Game

  • I’m looking primarily for a campaign, not a one-shot, at this time.
  • I’m currently available Thurs/Fri evenings, and Sat/Sun afternoons Eastern time.
  • I’m mostly interested in D&D 5e — and most of these points are relevant to that — but I’m also interested in trying other games in a fantasy setting.
  • I like roleplay a lot, but I also really like tactical combat. I’d prefer roughly a 65%/35% RP-to-combat ratio. I’m not interested in playing a campaign that’s nothing more than a dungeon crawl.
  • By “tactical combat” I mean where the enemies don’t just stand still and fight to the death — where generally they act like they have two brain cells to rub together, and they have motives other than “kill the PCs.” Also where inventive tactics on the part of the PCs are rewarded.
  • I don’t mind random encounters, if it’s more than just “here’s a random monster I rolled on a table to keep you busy.” I prefer when they’re used to characterize the world, i.e. “here is a type of enemy you might fight later” or “here is a landmark that might be relevant in the next town.”
  • Also, I like a CHALLENGE. If there’s not occasionally a risk of your character dying, how am I supposed to stay invested? I don’t consider one PC going unconscious to be a dangerous fight.
  • I WANT TO FEEL THINGS. I WANT TO SHED TEARS. I firmly believe there are no emotions that someone won’t pay to experience within the safety of narrative. OotA was stand-out for me in that regard, and not just because I developed a romance plot with an NPC.
  • Relatedly, I am cool with character romance so long as all parties involved are consenting in- and out-of-character.
  • I like writing character histories; they range in length from a few bullet points to a few thousand words. I write these mostly for myself — writing is thinking, for me — but I also expect the DM to read them and, if possible, use them as personal plot hooks. If I write about a missing sibling in my backstory, I would very much like to see that come up in game.
  • I want my fellow players to be invested, too. I would hope they’ve come up with a few character bullet points, don’t spend the entire session browsing Facebook, and don’t perpetually show up late.
  • I would really like a semi-serious campaign. I don’t want joke characters, or joke names. I don’t want people to do random zany shit and call it “chaotic neutral.” That said, I’m not a humorless automaton, and I don’t mind the occasional OOC joke or derailment.
  • I am Done for all eternity with murderhobos, chaotic neutral “it’s what my character would do!” assholes, cheeseweasels, metagaming, and on-screen sexual violence.
  • I want to play with adults (18+).
  • An online game is a must. Even aside from COVID, if I have to travel to play, I’d rather play a larp.
    • No preference as to virtual tabletop — though I’m most familiar with roll20.
    • I have a slight preference for no camera, but that’s only because I like not having to put on real clothes 😉
    • A slight preference for Discord for voice chat.
    • Not super interested in text or play-by-post campaigns.
  • My next group will be woke, accepting, and anti-racist or it will be bullshit. If it wouldn’t fly on the Chaotic Good Dungeons & Dragons Memes Facebook group, I’m not interested.

Nice to Haves

  • I have a preference for good-aligned campaigns, because my no-consequences power fantasy is being able to help everybody.
  • As someone who installs a bunch of “immersion” mods in perfectly good video games, I actually enjoy some of the fiddly resource management you can do in D&D (but no one ever does), like tracking resources like rations or arrows, or dealing with encumbrance. I feel like it adds an interesting dimension of challenge to the game other than “give the monsters bigger numbers.”
  • On a scale from “published adventure run RAW” and “complete homebrew,” I prefer somewhere in the middle, i.e. a published adventure modified for the needs of the group. But I am pretty flexible on this.

That’s not asking a lot, right? 😉

Fanfic journal: “Bright Future,” chapter 9

Read chapter 9 (“Dalninil”) here.

Chapter Summary

Mavash’s premonition comes true, but the heroes are prepared. Jorlan is (maybe?) still full of secrets.

Chapter End Notes

Mavash is using ogham for divination, the “language of trees” of neo-pagan druidry. I drew the interpretation of the runes from John Michael Greer’s The Druidry Handbook. Basically I was like, hmm, what would you draw if you wanted to get the message of “prepare Earthbind, dumbass?”

The plant Mavash describes as a stand-in for heather is a little bit of both mountain laurel (Kalmia latifolia) and sheep laurel (K. angustifolia).

(Also I came up with the divination as a way to explain DM Nixon giving us a long rest before fighting the dracolich, and thus the opportunity to plan out our spells).

Also worth noting: in actual play, that fight with the dracolich suuuuuucked for Mavash. I spent most of the fight either a) positioning myself, b) being Frightened, or c) on the ground. I never did succeed at casting Earthbind; it’s a STR check, and unsurprisingly dragons are STRONK.

But that doesn’t make for a very compelling story, does it?

(Jorlan did totally show up to put a potion down Mavash’s throat, though. I blame DM Nixon for the phrase “gentle fingers”)

Pretty sure that in RAW there’s not a dracolich and an illithilich waiting for you at the Tower of Araj. And Grinna is intended to be Grin, male apprentice to Vizeran.

… man, have we really never seen Mavash cast spells before? Anyway, druids being druids, I imagine the verbal and somatic components of their spells are all very individual; there’s no “magic word” that Mavash has to say to cast them, but she does have to say something personally meaningful.

(Also I totally imagine “words against fear” being the Bene Gesserit “fear is the mind killer” thing).

“Dalninil,” from the fan dictionary, means “sister.”

Fanfic journal: “Bright Future,” chapter 8

Read chapter 8 (“Zhaunil”) here.

Chapter Summary

“Show us,” she said, closing her eyes, “how the Lords of the Abyss came to the Underdark.”

In which the heroes learn what they need from the Gravenhollow.

Or: in which Mavash has premonitions, Jorlan is forced to be astonishingly candid, and Vizeran is an arch-bitch about Gromph Baenre.

Chapter End Notes

Quite some time has passed since this session, and my notes were shoddy, so I fabricated more here than I usually do for our sessions. While it didn’t happen precisely like this, I can assure you that Jorlan’s moment of candor is true to the actual session.

Zhaunil is the Drow word for “knowledge.”