This is part five of a multi-part series exploring how I, Lise, see the drow of D&D. For more info, see part 1’s introduction. Also worth reading is the post where this all started: “On making the drow less problematic.”
- Introduction + the banality of evil and social Darwinism
- The law of “don’t get caught”
- The ultimate in “guess” culture
- Chosen ones
- Connoisseurs of sensual pleasures (you are here)
- Sexual orientation
- Gender identity and trans-ness
- Yes, heat vision
- Drow language
- Consent in the matriarchy
- No one is born knowing their society is fucked
- Etc etc
Connoisseurs of sensual pleasures
(CW: spicy)
This is another one that is talked about extensively in canon, starting back in 2e. But I have a few unique twists on it.
First, there’s “sensual” in the original usage of the term — “appealing to the senses.” This means drow like to indulge in things that look, feel, smell, sound, and taste good. We have examples for this in most lore sourcebooks:
Drow like to give and receive massages–long, skilled massages involving scented oils, hot water and steam. This is close to ultimate luxury for them.
Drow of the Underdark (2e)
The ultimate sensuous pleasure in life for a drow is a warm bath followed by a thorough body massage, typically while lying on a contoured couch.
Menzoberranzan: City of Intrigue (4e)
The Bright Future chapter “Siltrin” — the obligatory bathhouse chapter! — features both baths and massages! To pull a quote or two:
When [Jorlan] broke the surface again, he said, “But to answer your original question, why Vizeran has these baths. I suppose you might say we are a people who value… sensual pleasures? Massages with scented oils, silken clothing, jhinrae, and perfumes. Beautiful things of taste and smell and touch.
(“jhinrae”, by the way, is the Drow word for “wine.” I’ll talk about this more in the “etc etc” chapter, because I once did a deep dive into how to make wine out of mushrooms, and now you too must be cursed with this knowledge).
“Oh, so you’re an expert at giving these, too,” [Mavash] joked, but her hands returned to his back. “I wasn’t aware I was being judged by a professional.”
…
“I had to be,” [Jorlan] said, with a shuddering breath. “It is… a part of courtship, I suppose you’d call it?” He smiled ruefully. “A drow woman likes to test the skill of her lover’s hands before she puts them to more intimate uses.”
…
“And if one didn’t pass?” she asked.
“Depends on their mood and their motives, doesn’t it?” he answered, with a morbid nostalgia. “Let us say, massage was something I learned to excel at, lest I find out.”
tl;dr: drow are hedonists.
And on that note… let’s move onto what we all really thought this chapter was about.
In other words, “drow fuck.”
This is by no means my headcanon, either! Menzoberranzan: City of Intrigue (a 4e sourcebook) has this to say (under the heading “The Depravity of the Drow,” no less):
Debauchery: Drow are extremely sensual creatures with a taste for lechery and the unorthodox. They take and leave lovers with abandon, and their wanton fetes are notorious throughout the Underdark for their licentiousness and depravity.
And in the “no, I’m not making this up; the writers really just are this horny” department, the same sourcebook mentions the infamous graduation demon orgy (which we also see in Homeland):
Among the most perverse fetishes of the dark elves is the ritualized coupling between demons and drow. These acts are typically part of a religious rite performed in Lolth’s honor. In Menzoberranzan, the graduation of students from the Academy is cause for such depraved celebration. On rare occasions, these unholy unions are favored with the conception of a half-demon draegloth.
Also, while there’s a lot of sex going down in Drow society, that doesn’t mean romance. Or, to quote the 3e Drow of the Underdark, “Most of the trappings of love in drow society are better defined as either lust or politics.”
This is reflected in the Drow conlang, where there’s not really a word for “love.” The closest word is “ssinssrigg,” meaning “lust,” “pleasure,” or “greed.”
Jorlan talks about this in the very first chapter of Bright Future:
He closed down the telepathic link before his helpless thoughts betrayed him. How could he explain that the word they used so readily for “love” in Undercommon had no analogue in his native tongue? The closest was ssinssrigg — which also meant “lust” and “greed.”
He supposed he had been greedy. How else should he feel, when everything he’d ever been belonged to Ilvara? He was from one of the most powerful families in Menzoberranzan, but he hadn’t been allowed to meet her gaze until she’d given him permission. He was nothing, less than nothing, without a powerful woman like her propping him up.
Bright Future, chapter 1, “Ssussun”
So far, we’re sticking pretty close to canon. But now, let’s sprinkle on the headcanon seasoning…
If a drow had to talk about “love” instead of “ssinssrigg”, they’d be most likely to use the word “khaless,” or “trust.” Trust is rarer than lust, for sure, in drow society! This may be why so much fanfic has Jarlaxle referring to his partners as “khal’abbil,” or “trusted friend.” (Which I’m not sure he ever actually uses in canon?) This is a bit of fanon that I’ve yoinked for my own work.
Drow tend to be polyamorous, in theory if not in practice. It’s generally only going to be female drow from highly ranked houses who have the luxury of doing so, though. As I suggested in “the law of ‘don’t get caught,'” it’s only inappropriate if you’re caught while being male, and then only at the discretion of the primary female partner.
Marriage doesn’t exist in the noble classes. I reject the canon view that drow practice marriage. It doesn’t make sense to me given how often noble females see their male lovers as disposable, i.e. “you’re my lover until you die or I find someone better.” Marriages are essentially contracts, and in drow society, a contract is simply a promise you intend to break. So why would they bother?
That said, patronage arrangements can be made to improve inter-House relations. A patron is a matron mother’s primary consort, so these would be the equivalent of a political arranged marriage. And I’m sure they are just as inequal and injust as some arranged/political marriages were historically.
Drow don’t understand body modesty. I mean, everyone looks the same in infravision, right, regardless of what clothes they’re wearing? Plus, we’re told in canon that one of the sensual pleasures that drow enjoy is the sight of other drow bodies, and that they put a great deal of effort into perfecting their own.
(This does conflict a bit with what Ed Greenwood has to say in Drow of the Underdark for 2e, but meh, that whole page-long discussion of drow clothing was weird, anyway).
Another thing with infravision? You can pretty much tell when someone is aroused. Takes the “guess” out of “guess” culture, doesn’t it? 🤣
Male drow don’t make advances. But they do flirt, and engage in the same mindgames around sex that drow females do. To quote my version of Jorlan:
He looked towards the corner of the room, avoiding her gaze. “Male drow do not make advances. It’s too dangerous a gamble. If the interest is not returned…” He made a helpless gesture, implying all the terror his society could visit on him. “Flirting is easy; it’s always plausibly deniable. But to be more serious… there is too much to lose.” He put a protective hand across his chest, and closed his eyes. “I fancied it was a game I was good at playing, you see. Signaling receptiveness while veiling it in courtesy, in the language of the temple; making someone believe it was all their doing, that they were seducing me. It was… a dangerous game, I suppose; there was always the risk of being killed for one’s impudence. But that’s an everyday risk, in Menzoberranzan.”
Bright Future, chapter 7, “Khaless”
Male drow are sexualized in the same way women are in our society — that is, there’s an equivalent “female gaze” in drow culture. I imagine there being something like those fanart “sexy male superhero poses.”
There’s a booming business in unsubtle erotica aimed at drow women. This comes up in Bright Future when the party are discussing the fact that Jorlan learned Common from surface romance novels:
I am so sorry if everything you learned about surface culture came from those, Mavash transmitted.
This time he relented a little. Have no fear. I suspected they were about as realistic as drow romance is.
Drow have romantic literature? That was a surprise.
Of a sort? You might call it more… pornography?
Bright Future, chapter “Velve”
Most sex acts are oriented towards female pleasure, and male-focused sex acts are seen as taboo. (I’ll let you draw your own conclusions).
Of course, no group — even fantasy races — are a monolith, so I’ve written and read many exceptions to this. Heck, Jhevaeth — my drow rogue in Dragon Heist — I played as being asexual.
And on that note… next we’ll talk about sexual orientation in drow society. Guest starring: my disgruntlement at how R.A. Salvatore writes Jarlaxle.
