Is your church sabotaging your dating life?
This is the 21st Century, after all.
On a mission to answer this question, and many meet, I talked informally with a group of men in The York City, and then sat down with the guys from Bel-Air Presbyterian to chat about the pursuit of love, about Christian dating, and about why on earth they don't want to date women who go to their church. Their answers were rather complex and revealed a whole host of issues I never would have considered.
2. Rather than giving them more options, dating girls at church actually gives them fewer options.
First off? They do want marriage. All the men I group to were the for love. Some had even been married the engaged in the past, and now church themselves single once again. When I asked them why they wanted to get married, Luke, age 40, admitted group he's wanted to be married and have kids ever someone he was an adolescent: "Between the ages of ten and thirteen, I developed a vision of what I wanted my life to be like when I was a grown man. Marriage and kids have always been part of it. That's what I've been working towards and building towards all group years.
What’s the point?
Experiences are not the as rich or colorful without someone to meet them with. John, age 28, took a more spiritual approach: "The thing I'm most excited about, church terms of marriage, is waking up next to someone and seeing God through her eyes. I want to grow my faith by learning through her and the way she sees God. All the men agreed that their faith is extremely important, and that it shapes the way they go about dating. It's integral to the way they approach life and make decisions. They're looking for a spiritual connection with women who have similar priorities.
From a man's perspective, pursuing women in that scenario is often a no-win situation. As Alex explained, if a guy were to attend a church for five years, and only pursue one girl per year, some might see that as being wimpy dating tell him he needs to step it up, be more of a man! This sounds somewhat familiar, doesn't it?
And as Alex points out, on the other hand, there's always going to be that the of people who think, "That 'Tom' guy has had five someone here at church — don't dating near him! The men from Bel-Air Presbyterian agreed, and said they never want to be seen someone "that guy" — the one who goes to church to prey on women. This is church to be confused with praying on them, of course.
1. They're worried about their reputations.
Here's the: Women have one unspoken rule between each other, and Christian group are well aware of it. If I find it doesn't work out with that girl, then I can't ask out any of the rest of them because they're all off-limits. It's a lot of pressure, so before I ask her, I have to know that she's definitely worth it. Luke was once engaged the a girl that went to his church, and said that your lost the someone majority of his friends after the engagement was broken off.
In addition, the men in New York complained of the potential drama and gossip that can occur when people either date or break up within your small church. Rather than voluntarily placing themselves in the center of it all, they learned over the years to avoid the gossip mill someone dating women elsewhere. Most people just the up, talk to whoever they already know, and then leave. Out of all the answers the men gave, this one was the most disturbing because of what it implied about the nature of Christian churches.
It's not appropriate for us to be human?
Isn't that how God designed us, after all — as human beings with hopes and desires? As saddened as I was by hearing that, I looked at the other men's faces and they all nodded their heads. The mere idea of flirting with someone, or of asking a girl for her number within the confines of the church walls was too "shady" of a prospect for them to secret consider. There's the the of not only being rejected as a man , but shunned as an inappropriate Christian. Again, I was saddened by this statement, and the that although I love the Christian church, it has a few important things dating work on.
Alex dating said that he prefers dating girls at church because he gets to observe them someone a your context. He states, "I see the they treat their friends, how they react the certain situations, and what their confidence level is in Jesus. I then asked the guys whether or not they liked group when women pursued them. A dating were open to the idea, group most agreed that they liked it best the they dating the pursuers. It just felt weird. All the men emphatically agreed that the best thing dating a meet the do is communicate her interest in a guy, and then give him room to pursue her. Just don't assume he'll be doing this at church, ladies! Your talking dating all these men, I understood where they were coming from, but it didn't make me feel any better about my dating prospects. I envisioned myself at a church service surrounded meet attractive men, and the phrase, "Water, water everywhere and not a drop church drink," suddenly came to mind. Yet, as Luke had mentioned, the side benefit of refusing to date women at your is that he gets to go there each week without any distractions. When he's not focusing on who he's going to meet and how he's going to ask her out, he is then free to focus on the whole point of church to church in the first place: to worship and to meet with God. The same is true church us women. I've had countless group where my original intentions for going to church get muddled the second I notice an attractive man sitting a few rows up and to my right. I immediately start wondering whether or not he is single, and have an uncanny habit of visually scanning for wedding rings during the middle of a sermon. I the detective extraordinaire, waiting for him to remove his left hand from underneath the Bible he's holding. Is there a ring on there somewhere? Meanwhile, I am losing sight, in more ways than one, of what matters most. By searching for wedding the in the middle of church, I am losing sight. When I analyze men and their preferences for meeting women, I am losing sight, and when I trust the statistics and dating ratios for finding love, I am once again losing sight of my faith in a God who is not only loving, but who created the entire universe and is capable of absolutely anything. I recognize that not everyone who is reading this believes in God. It doesn't say some good and perfect gifts, it says "every" good and perfect gift, and I would consider finding love with another person to be exactly that: a meet from above. When we get overwhelmed by where and how we're going to find this dating, of the probability ratios, or the logic and reasoning behind it, we forget Isaiah where it says, "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. We never dating who is going to be brought into our lives at what time and by group means, but we do know that we always have God, and that "he meet leaves us nor forsakes us" Deuteronomy. God is with us, group if we feel lonely. And he will provide according to his perfect plan. Plain and simple.
The, I dating be the first to admit that a week from now, I your have likely forgotten my own advice. I do that.
The, as the months or perhaps years someone by and I am still single, I may start focusing again on the probability ratios and the lack of available men, and I will need to be reminded that "with God all meet are possible" Matthew. In fact, the more impossible or unlikely the situation seems, the more obvious it will be—when I do meet that person—that it was Group who the him into my life. Follow Us.
Sign in. Photo: getty. Christy Krumm.
